Some Random Thoughts About Depression

Why I think it's important to talk about depression:
I'm not sure I'll actually post this. It may be too personal. And, I'm not entirely sure I have anything to add to the discussion. But I'm driven to write this in the hope that it might help someone somewhere. And, after writing and deleting a few times, I keep feeling like it needs to be said. 

Years ago, a fellow teacher with lots of experience changed the course of my career when he shared something with me. It was just an incidental comment, something he did in his class. To him, it was just a mention of what worked for him. To me, at that time,  it shifted my perspective and made a big difference.

But that shift couldn't have happened without the conversation. I hope that if enough of us talk about depression, perhaps one of those conversations will be the game-changer (oooh! sports analogy on the drama/writer guy's blog!) for someone sometime. 

I recently came out of a gaping depression. I didn't even realize it was happening until it was almost over. After all these years, it still snuck up on me (yes, I know it should be "sneaked" but that sounds so pretentious to me). Because of that I want to make some notes while it's still fresh. Please understand that I am fine. I'm happy and well and life is good. I'm not asking for sympathy and I'm a little uncomfortable discussing it. But I do hope to contribute to a conversation that I hope may help someone. 

It seems important to be open about this, regardless of any stigmas or the fact that it sometimes makes people uncomfortable (including me). One doesn't want to wallow, after all. But silence, I believe, can be deadly in this case. 

I want to say three quick things that I think are important and I hope people will read them. Then I'll pontificate and blather a bit and talk about what has worked for me and so on and everyone can tune that out. But the first three points are important. They aren't unique but I think they are terribly important.

Three important points: 

1. If you have depression you are not alone. It is an illness that many, many people struggle with. One of the most pernicious symptoms of depression is a feeling of isolation. A terrible certainty that you are deeply, utterly, and irrevocably alone, and that you deserve to be. There is a sense of being broken and flawed, and of being unique in your brokenness. Depression feeds on this confidence that you are alone and awful. As much as you know it's not the case, it is still so easy to simply believe that you are weak and/or bad. I have found it useful in the past to know that other people struggled with it. It comforted me and helped fight the isolation. So, I find it important to speak up. 

2. God loves you in the most powerful, radiant, and constant way possible. I know that's true. There have been times that I had to cling to that knowledge, lashing myself to it like a sailor being tied to a mast in a hurricane. There were times when that's all I had. But it turned out that it was enough, and it's always carried me through.

I fear that it's very easy to mistake depression for a sign of Divine displeasure. I've known many devout Mormons over the years who have thought this. I've also had friends from other faiths who struggle with that, so I believe it's quite common. Please, I beg you, do not give in to this temptation. It's an ugly, ugly lie. 

God loves you. You have worth and value and purpose. Your life is his masterpiece and you are his joy and hope, his work and glory. The fact that you don't feel it simply means that the clouds are covering the sun, not that the sun has gone. It's still there. The clouds will pass and you will walk once more in beautiful, live-giving, soul-warming light. Hold on. Please, hold on. 

3. Depression is very real. It's not just in your head. It's not a sign of weakness, and you can't pull yourself out of it anymore than self-discipline and a positive attitude will cure your heart disease or diabetes. Treat this as an illness and get qualified help. As science advances, we get hints and revelations of a very complex, but very real condition. All kinds of well-meaning people have no idea what this is and what is involved and what it does. Over the years, I've heard terrible advice and things that were just wrong from people. Be careful about allowing people who don't understand to have too much influence on the way you think about this. 

A few things that help me:
II'm writing this next part because there is a high likelihood that most people either struggle with some form of depression, or know someone who does. In the spirit of the conversation I mentioned above, I have a few thoughts to pass on, for whatever they may be worth. While depression isn't something I think people can just pull themselves out of, I have come to believe that there are choices I can make that either minimize or maximize depression's hold on me. Of course, I'm not a mental health professional. These are just my thoughts and if anyone is struggling with depression, they need to seek competent professional care. What I say here is based on my own experience, and others may have different experiences. 

Two of the things I've slowly learned over the years are sort of contradictory. The first is that when I'm depressed, I'm going to feel crummy no matter where I am. My inclination is to curl up in my room and shun the whole world. But, while that's what I want to do, it doesn't really help anything get better.

It's brutally hard, but I find it's better to focus on my responsibilities at home, at my church, and at work. Pushing myself to go and be present for my family, to keep going at work, and to show up at church meetings has saved me I think. In the very worst case, I don't feel any worse in these places then I would at home. And, t I often end up feeling better to some degree.

Attending to these responsibilities reminds me that I have a purpose in life and that, no matter how flawed I may be, there are people who depend and rely on me. Since depression often brings intense feelings of worthlessness and a desire to simply cease existing, this can be a useful tonic. Beyond that, simply having something to occupy my mind helps a great deal.

The other day, I was at the bottom of this recent spell. I wanted to be alone and to crawl under my blankets and just vanish, or at least sleep. My family was on a visit to my wife's family at the time, so I wasn't on my home turf. My mother-in-law very gently invited me to go out and get a bite to eat with everyone. She didn't push or apply pressure. She just invited me.

My immediate response was to decline. But between her invitation and my own tiny spark of rational thought, I accepted. And I had a great time. The longer we were out, the better I felt. I doubt I was sparkling company. But chatting with people, though difficult in some ways, took my mind out of the endless loop. It didn't make everything better, but I ended the night in a much better place than when I began it.

In almost every case I can remember, going out, doing things, and engaging with the people around me helped minimize the depression. Maybe that's not true for everyone, but it is for me. But it's really hard. It's always the last thing I want to do. My natural introversion feeds this tendency, but I've learned it's not helpful.

The caveat to this--the contradictory part--is that I also know my limits and there are sometimes when I just can't. I don't understand what mental or physical mechanisms are at play, but I just can't. There are times when I need to retreat and rest and rebuild my strength. 

Although I talked about using what bits of willpower I have to meet my fundamental responsibilities, I am also careful not to push myself to do other things that would stress me out or require my emotional and mental resources. I have become very comfortable over the years excusing myself from various events and activities that just seem like too much. If I had the flu no one would expect me to attend a social event, right?

On these occasions, I am grateful for supportive friends and family members who accept my assessment of my limits and give me the space I need to rest while the episode passes.
(If you are close to a depressed person, this is a fine line and I wish you well. It's hard to know when to push and when to give space. I wish I could give you better advice. The one thing I would suggest is not discussing it during a bad spell. When it appears your l0ved one is doing better, I would gently bring it up then and ask for guidance. )

Another lesson I've learned is that I will not, simply will not, make any decisions when I'm depressed. Everything is too foggy and murky during these times. So, I won't make decisions, including and especially decisions about my value and status as a human being. 

During spells of depression, excessive feelings of guilt can develop. In more rational times, I can say, "You know, I'm a pretty good husband, but I could improve in XYZ." During a depressed period, I slip so easily into, "I'm a terrible husband and I've brought nothing but misery to my wife and it would be so much better if I had never been born." In the light of day, that is simply not true and I know it. So that's why I don't make decisions. I essentially hire myself to be a secretary for myself. When thoughts of any kind come, I say, "I'm sorry. Mr. Bell isn't taking calls right now. Call back when he's himself again. Good-bye." I have to do that relentlessly, but it works. 

As a corollary to that, I have found that it is useful beyond measure to strive for almost machine-like logic and rational thinking in day-to-day life. For a raging Type-B creative sort of person, this is a challenge. But I find that trying to discipline myself to be logical and linear when I'm not depressed creates a shield against the irrational, illogical thoughts that come so quickly and easily when I'm depressed. It's sort of like off-season training that allows me to compete when I need it. 

Of course, one of the challenges is recognizing that depression is starting. It's subtle, at least at the beginning, and you can end up being hammered by it for a while before you recognize it. 

Over the years, I've learned to recognize some of the triggers, but also something I think is more important, and that is the symptoms. Depression hits everyone differently. But I find that it is fairly consistent in how I experience it. So, I've tried to train myself to watch for certain patterns of thought and, as soon as I notice them, I go into my management plan. 

Something else that helps me a lot is exercise. I know that doesn't do it for everyone, but in my case, it's a game-changer. My doctor prescribed 45 minutes a day and when I follow this, it really helps. It doesn't make everything perfect, but it helps a great deal. Doing this every day helps me, but sometimes life gets busy and I struggle to do this. But when I feel a depression coming on, I make it a priority. 

Another thing I do is let my wife know it's coming. That way she can help keep me grounded. It's also good since it has an impact on her and the family, and she can be ready. It's good for her to know that if I am suddenly withdrawn and taciturn it's not because she did something, or that I'm mad etc. 

I try to keep very busy with things that occupy my mind but don't require me to think about myself. Reading is a big help for this. I try to find a good page-turner that I can get lost in. I may also do the same thing with movies. A lot of writers I know have depression. I wonder sometimes if depressed people turn to writing because it's a good way to help keep the mind active and away from depressed thoughts. 

I try to get extra sleep, and I try to do things I like. This is not the time to be tough and push myself to new heights of self-discipline. It's a time to circle the wagons and keep warm and cozy. 

I really believe that being too self-indulgent can allow depression to cripple you. But I also believe that pushing too hard is a recipe for disaster. It's a tricky balance, and I don't know that there is a right answer. I do think that carefully and prayerfully pondering that balance is very helpful BUT NOT WHEN YOU ARE DEPRESSED! That's time to go easy on yourself and not try to make decisions. 

One of the symptoms of depression is a desire to simply cease existing, to have never been born. This is difficult and painful, but it is fairly common, from what I understand. It is different from being in a place where you start to think about taking your own life. I am fortunate that I don't get to that point. But for anyone who does, I would beg you to designate a person you can talk to. Let them know in advance that you are their safe person. Maybe even come up with a keyword or phrase so you can let them know easily that you need help. 

One of the great lies of depression is that you'll never be happy again, that you are doomed to a life of misery, and that the world would be better off without you. In the throes of the spell, you really believe that. It seems so true. But it passes. It always does. That's why suicide is such a tragic thing. It is based on a lie, and is an irrevocable response to a real, though temporary, problem. 

(*Sorry for the weird highlighting thing. Not sure what's going on there)