My Christmas Miracle

After months of thought, I have decided to publish this post. It is deeply personal. For that reason, I have been reluctant to share it. But I can't escape the nagging feeling that perhaps it may be of comfort or use to someone else. So, for that reason, I publish it. Merry Christmas!

Last year, around October, I became aware of some of my flaws and weaknesses. The contrast between who I wanted to be and who I was seemed jarring. It wasn't that I had done something terrible. There was no great sin or misdeed. It was simply a consciousness of all my human failings and the distance between my aspirations and reality. There were some additional worries as well--finances were particularly vexing at the time. 

As I struggled with these feelings of inadequacy, I began to grow tired, more than that: exhausted. I had no energy and work became difficult. 

I soldiered on as best I could. With a family to support, there weren't many other options. Some days were better than others, but the trajectory was bad and getting worse. 

I went to work, doing the best I could. During spare moments, I took small naps. 

This was all the more vexing because I had started taking care of my health. I'd given up soda, most carbs, and eaten lots of vegetables. Until I got so weak, I had exercised every day since Father’s Day. 

My wife and I prayed with growing desperation and anxiety, uncertain how much longer I could simply continue to tread water. That triggered even more stress, and the downward spiral got worse.

In addition to being sick, I got very discouraged and terribly depressed.

Then, early on in December, it came to a head. By Thursday of that week, I could barely walk. I got to work and did what I needed to do to start the day, then I went to some mats to lay down. I had some Christmas music going, turned out my lights, and just went and poured out my heart to the Lord in one big jumble. 

And then I was just too tired and sick to think anymore so I tried to go to sleep.

A Christmas song came on then, one with special memories. I had sung it in the Christmas program during my first Christmas as a missionary. It brought back memories of that time.

I remembered walking around all day during those first years as a missionary. No one wanted to talk with us, so we spent a great deal of time walking. And as we walked, I filled the hours with daydreams of the future--dreamed of being a teacher. I'd do plays and conduct choirs. I'd have a classroom I could decorate, a place where we could do fun things...

I felt a little jolt of energy as I realized that my deepest wishes back then had come true. I was, at that very moment, experiencing everything I had once dreamed about.

And then the Spirit taught me. In quick succession, and in a way that transcends words, I realized that every Christmas since then had been better than the last—with a few exceptions. Each year, Christmas had been a time of healing and renewal, a time when the Lord’s blessings had been poured out on us.

Realizing all the God things God had done for me over the years changed the course of my thoughts, bringing gratitude and hope instead of despair.

I got up and started writing down some thoughts and then a quiet, but strong, impression came.

What if the problem did not stem from my weaknesses? What if it was not that I was deficient and weak and prone to error—in other words, human. What if it had more to do with the way I reacted, the way I carried the burden?

As I thought about question, an image came into my mind, the smallest glimpse of a back being whipped and beaten. Just a flash of torn and broken flesh. And then a thought, an idea, filled my mind and heart: “I was already beaten for your sins. Must you beat yourself?”

And then I thought of Isaiah and remembered that it is with His stripes that we are healed.

My body started to shake and I wept while staring at my computer screen.

In that moment, something changed. The heaviness left. I was no longer exhausted, and could easily function at work, during a demanding time. 

It’s not that I was incorrect about my flaws and weaknesses. They are real and large. But the Atonement is infinite--sufficient for all of our foolishness, malice, weakness, and even our sins. 

Without doing so consciously, I had somehow forgotten this, at least in practical terms. I had allowed myself to be so focused on my weaknesses that I had shut myself off from the source of my strength. I had, as the scriptures say, refused to be comforted.

Life is hard, and it is messy, mostly because we are so very messy. Each of us is a collection of aspirations, efforts, hopes, and many, many mistakes. Our fallen natures trip us up so easily, so often. But the Atonement is real. Christ’s suffering and triumph are real and available. They can touch every aspect of our lives and heal us, spiritually and physically. That’s the truth that I went door-to-door so many years ago trying to teach people. Over twenty years later, I am rediscovering that truth for myself.